It all started two days ago, I was working on my computer as usual and trying to balance a new schedule for Jay as well. I got up about noon and went to bed about 3am the following Sunday morning. This was after teaching some English to my new friend Jack of course. Its always fun to see what I get to teach him next and I am the teacher xD. Most of the time I end up just correcting his Chinese to English sentences, but he seems to be improving. Anyway, the problem starts Sunday after I get up.
Of course Jay gets up as usual at noon and goes to the restaurant to meet up with the others. I am left to decide and fend for myself. I couldn't sleep very well due to all the snoring so I decided to take an off day and just watch anime all day. For those of you that are reading this that don't know, if I don't work I don't get food so I have to fend for myself on that as well. Its not that big of a deal as long as I have some money to spend, but if I don't well you get the picture. So I go to Crunchyroll.com (awesome anime site if you can get past all the ads ><). Just surfing thru I find an anime called Shugo Chara. Which if you haven't seen it and you like anime, there are over 100 episodes of it right now, and its still ongoing. Its a little weird at first but it kicks up after episode 50.
So I am watching the episodes and there is a song that one of the characters sing called Black Diamond ~Utau. At first I was just liking it, then I found the full version on you tube. Then I found the English version dub. After I listened to it a few times, the more I listened to it the more down I felt. Eventually, I was listening to it on repeat for 8 hours straight. I'll post the lyrics to the song in this post so that if anyone wants to know what its saying you can follow the song. I started thinking about everything that I have done, everything that I am doing. And I relized that its all pointless and meaningless.
There is no way that I am talented. Oh wait you say, I am talented in computers, yea so what. Still don't have a secure job and it and most likely never will. I tried switching to construction and that failed. I mean all I do is the same routine and if I try to do something different then I end up just hurting myself in the end. I keep saying that I am a hard worker and I keep at things until they are done ... the truth, I have to force myself to do and get things done. And after I do no one appreciates any of my work except myself. (Which I know is how you are supposed to be, since no one is going to appreciate something more than the creator)
Everyone that I come into contact with says that I am talented, and that I have untapped potential. But, if I analyze what everyone else is doing and what I am doing its just simply put pathetic. Not only am I trying to do something because I don't believe in myself but I also still suck at it no matter how hard I try. Even anime chars have it more together than I do, all be it they were created by another human, but that human based it off of something right? If nothing else this whole trip proves how useless I am, I am not even needed here to do anything. Never was needed, never will be needed, or loved just for me. I am just a tool that everyone else uses to get something they want and then left to rust in the rain ...
Whats the meaning to this life? Why is this happening to me?
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Song: Black Diamond ~ Utau
Lyrics By: Takara Makoto
Verse 1:
Come closer now and just tell to me your greatest wish
Who is it that you desire?
Take in a breath and make it strong enough to shake down the noise
Now, just try shouting out with a loud voice
Bridge:
The sun slumbers, while Im awakening
This brand new world contains a light
That shadows are dancing under and call out to you
Then Ill, reach out and take your hand
Chorus:
Tell me, what is it that you want? What is it that you seek?
The shining light that has gathered within your guilty hands
They came down from the tainted sky, at night only to steal one thing
Ooh the dark diamond, black diamond
Verse 2:
With these shaking hands of mine Ill dedicate this prayer
To the one that you desire
Theyre like a doll that holds no real significance
Because a doll can not shed any tears
Bridge:
So even if you want to fill me with hurt and lies
Never will I yield to them
Because I know that the only thing shining is my truth.
Its my defiance for unseen powers
Chorus:
Tell me, what is it you will sing? What is it that you believe?
If you become lost and confused then its useless.
The darkness from the tainted sky, just try and shake it off.
Shake off the dark diamond, black diamond.
[instrumental break]
Chorus:
Tell me, what is it that you want? What is it that you seek?
The shining light that has gathered within your guilty hands
They came down from the tainted sky, at night only to steal one thing
Ooh the dark diamond, black diamond
Come closer now and just tell to me your greatest wish
Who is it that you desire?
Take in a breath and make it strong enough to shake down the noise
Now, just try shouting out with a loud voice
Bridge:
The sun slumbers, while Im awakening
This brand new world contains a light
That shadows are dancing under and call out to you
Then Ill, reach out and take your hand
Chorus:
Tell me, what is it that you want? What is it that you seek?
The shining light that has gathered within your guilty hands
They came down from the tainted sky, at night only to steal one thing
Ooh the dark diamond, black diamond
Verse 2:
With these shaking hands of mine Ill dedicate this prayer
To the one that you desire
Theyre like a doll that holds no real significance
Because a doll can not shed any tears
Bridge:
So even if you want to fill me with hurt and lies
Never will I yield to them
Because I know that the only thing shining is my truth.
Its my defiance for unseen powers
Chorus:
Tell me, what is it you will sing? What is it that you believe?
If you become lost and confused then its useless.
The darkness from the tainted sky, just try and shake it off.
Shake off the dark diamond, black diamond.
[instrumental break]
Chorus:
Tell me, what is it that you want? What is it that you seek?
The shining light that has gathered within your guilty hands
They came down from the tainted sky, at night only to steal one thing
Ooh the dark diamond, black diamond
